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TOOL Admit To April Fool's Prank, Continue Writing New Album

April 7, 2005

TOOL's official web site, ToolBand.com, has been updated with the following message:

"Good news, April Fool's fans. The writing and recording is back under way. When approached for comment on his recent encounter with the Son of God, Maynard said, 'That guy's a punk!'

"As it turns out, Maynard was out 'location scouting' near the Fourth Street bridge in downtown Los Angeles when he 'found Jesus.'

"'Turns out he was here the whole time, and not that difficult to find if you know where to look,' Maynard reported. Apparently Jesus offered him the position of campaign manager for his new line of 'Holier Than Thou' sparkling holy water, which Maynard, of course, accepted. What wasn't obvious was that this guy is a total drunk. It's an occupational hazard. Every time our Lord goes to get a glass of water, it transforms into a generic grocery store Merlot. Because the alcoholic is the Son of God and an all-knowing being, he knew of Maynard's extensive interest in collecting wine. So he went to work trying to get his lips on it. Maynard caught J.C. in his cellar transforming his precious wine collection into urine, then pissing it into the empty 'sparkling holy water' bottles for the eventual sale to all those people who bought, read, and embraced 'The Celestine Prophecy'. Tragic.

"'Truth be told,' Maynard confessed, 'I wasn't feeling top notch when I found him. The evening prior to the day in question I had over-indulged in a series of bad Molotov shrimp cocktails with a side of Makers Mark and twin strippers. So after an entire night of G.I. Blowouts, hot/cold sweats, and blurred vision, it's very possible that the guy I met wasn't even Jesus at all. For all I know, it was Willem Dafoe.'"

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